Attachment during our first year home

I love being able to blog for RLC and to share our experiences with other families! This time around, they are asking us to share our experiences with bonding that first year home. Just like each child is unique, both of our adoptions have been unique. Kaia had a very difficult time and showed a lot of grieving behaviors. She was cared for in a foster home and was the only child as far as I know. I think she was very attached to her foster mom. Our first week in China was extremely difficult and was nothing like I anticipated. Looking back, I'm not sure what I really expected, I knew she would grieve and expected a difficult transition. I read all the books and felt prepared, as much as I could be that is. It's one thing to know what can happen and another thing altogether when it happens to you and your child. She would not sit still and was constantly wanting to go, go, go. She was super independent, refusing help from most of the time. She also avoided eye contact and threw major tantrums, I mean major! She would be fine one minute and screaming the next. It was all we could do to run back to the safety of our hotel room to ride it out. She tried to control everything we did and would throw this kind of tantrum if she didn't get her way. In the middle of a tantrum, she would throw up or wet her pants (she was potty-trained) and did this for months after coming home. The most shocking thing for me was the intensity of her rage and the fact that it was all directed at us. She would scratch my face, trying to gouge my eyes. When I held her hands she would slam her head into mine. I couldn't believe the rage coming out of a 2 year-old. If I hadn't read "Toddler Adoption", I would have been really concerned by this. She did turn a corner around day four in China and started to prefer me to our guide. She wanted me near her and began to let me do a little more for her. The hardest part of those first few weeks in China was seeing how difficult a time she was having compared to the other kids. They were genuinely very happy with their new parents, while Kaia was miserable. I understood her heart, but it was still hard.

Upon returning home, our days were filled with meltdowns. She would be fine for a little while and then out of the blue she'd start a tantrum. It was not uncommon for this to happen four times a day. I tried the "holding time" approach. That was a disaster! She hated me holding her. Finally, after months of tantrums, throwing up, wetting her pants, etc., I decided to let her go while I stayed nearby. That seemed to shorten the length and frequency of the tantrum. When they were over, I would pick her up and comfort her and that's when we had our break-through in bonding. She was pretty receptive to me giving her comfort at those times. I can't point to one moment in particular that bonded us. I think that time was the most important factor in our bonding process with Kaia. We had to show her that we loved her and she had to know that we weren't going to leave her. This took a lot of time, a lot of reassuring her. I realize now that she is a very independent and strong-willed little sweetie. I think our first year was a combination of her personality, her fears, her grief, and all the other factors of the adoption. Little by little she opened her heart to me and to the rest of our family. It was wonderful to see her trust grow and to see more of her open up day by day. There were precious firsts that year-
getting a kiss on the lips for the first time without having to ask for one, Kaia telling me that she loved me, her little arms wrapped tightly around my neck, her laughter filling the house. It was tough, but very worth it! She is a tremendous blessing. The bonding and attachment happened right under my nose. The thing I was trying so hard to make happen just happened over the course of time and I realized after some time had passed, that I was actually enjoying her and that I felt like her mommy, knowing her likes and dislikes, her personality and some of her history. She is very securely attached to us all. She barely resembles the scared and angry little girl that she was at the beginning. She gives hugs, kisses and always tells me she loves me. She also feels safe enough to tell me when she's not happy with me! She knows that I'm her mommy and that I will love her no matter what.

Josiah's bonding has been very different. He was scared and cried for the first hour after Gotcha Day, but that was it. He wanted me to hold him everywhere we went, even when we saw his ayi's again the following days. He did have periods of being quiet, but overall, his transition was very smooth. Our greatest hurdle in the beginning was teaching him that I am mom and dad is dad. He would go to anyone happily in the beginning. He had no stranger anxiety whatsoever. I knew that this meant he wasn't securely attached and we basically decided to keep him to ourselves for the first month or so. I stayed in with him and did everything for him consistently. I also babied him a great deal. I gave him bottles, held him whenever he wanted and let him regress on potty training. I did all of this with Kaia too, but she didn't respond to it as well. He has been home for nearly four months now and is bonding nicely. He loves his siblings, no problem there at all. He has a strong preference for me and seeks me out constantly. He cries if I have to leave him for a short time, but is comforted by daddy or grandma easily. Overall, I would say that he is bonding to us nicely ad is very attached. He still needs more time with daddy. He refuses to let daddy do much for him and still likes to go to other men. I think two things are at play here, 1. Dad is at work most of the day and when he gets home, there are five kids clamoring for his attention. 2. Kids bond to one person at a time. He'll get there!

Our formal preparation came in the form of classes and books, but the best thing you can do is to prepare your heart before God. To submit to Him through whatever comes, knowing that He has placed THIS child in your arms for a reason. To see His love for you mirrored in a small way in the love that you have for your child, a love that is relentless in it's pursuit of us. The differences are huge obviously. His love never fails and mine does, often. I find that I'm the mommy that I want to be and that He designed me to be when I stay in Him, in His word. Apart from Him I can do nothing. It's a daily struggle for me to set aside time for Him in the midst of being a mommy of five, but it is a must. If I don't do it, my day is drastically different than if I had done it right and taken the time to spend time with Him, letting Him prepare and speak to my heart.